E' TU Sherwin-Williams? Missing 'Thermal Oxidizer' Was Actually Just Craig in a Diaper Sniffing the Vats

Sherman Will I am

2:19

ROCHESTER, PA — In a press conference that smelled vaguely of warm mayonnaise and regret, paint titan Sherwin-Williams confessed Thursday that the $14 million thermal oxidizer listed in their EPA filings was never missing.

It was never installed. It was just Craig.

"Look, those oxidizers need engineers," said plant manager Gary Flemming, visibly marinating in his own PPE. "Craig works for Slim Jims, Mountain Dew, and the occasional foot rub. We're innovators."

Craig, 34, holds the official title "Senior Vice President of Olfactory Logistics." He sits enthroned in a reinforced golden high-chair dangling above Vat #3 like a budget Baby Bjorn of doom. His uniform: adult diaper, safety goggles worn as a headband, and a nametag that reads "Craig (Do Not Feed After Midnight)."

According to leaked memos, Craig's process involves lowering himself nose-first into the fumes like a deranged air-quality sommelier, then free-throwing whatever he finds behind the building into 500-gallon batches. Recent additions include: a family of raccoons that lost a territorial dispute, one (1) used Depends he called "vintage," and the entire lost-and-found bin from the local bowling alley.

Local residents filed a class-action suit claiming the stench has achieved sentience and is now demanding child support. The complaint alleges damages exceeding $5 million and demands a trial by jury.

Plaintiff Mary Holleran said she wakes up tasting "a chemical burn wrapped in regret and wet dog."

"My curtains are now beige. They used to be white. My marriage is beige. Everything is beige."

When asked about the Valspar era — when the plant allegedly smelled like paint, not a dumpster's fever dream — an executive laughed. "Valspar had scrubbers. We have Craig's colon. One of these is scalable. The other requires permits."

The Pennsylvania DEP has issued multiple violations. Sherwin-Williams' response each time: double Craig's government cheese stipend.

At press time, the company offered to settle with a free gallon of "Craig's Limited Edition Roadkill Red" and a signed Polaroid of Craig mid-sniff, diaper suspiciously full.

Residents are considering it. After all, the smell's already redecorated.