Texas Road Construction Uncovers Ancient Texans' Absolute Inability to Grill Meat Properly

Fossils of “Big Ol’ Critters” Discovered Next to What Can Only Be Described as a BBQ Catastrophe Site

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Turns out ancient Texans didn’t go extinct—they just ate undercooked mammoth and lost the will to live.

Lubbock, TX – History books, prepare to be rewritten… or at least heavily annotated with snarky footnotes. In what archaeologists are calling “a culinary crime scene,” the Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) has accidentally uncovered not only massive prehistoric fossils—but also what appears to be the world’s oldest and worst barbecue.

According to Chris Ringstaff, who handles environmental affairs for TxDOT when he’s not binge-watching Diners, Drive-Ins and Digs, “We dug up some bones so big we thought we hit a Jurassic-themed Buc-ee’s. One of the teeth looked like a pocketknife. We’re 98% sure it belonged to a giant ground sloth, and 2% sure it’s just a really old Whataburger straw.”

The dig site—now being referred to by locals as “Sloth & Brisket”—sits near a series of dried-up lakes, or “playas,” which is Spanish for “probably where your uncle tries to deep-fry turkeys every Thanksgiving.”

Dr. Jane Smith, the project’s lead archaeologist and reluctant Tex-Mex critic, weighed in: “The evidence suggests these Ice Age Texans tried to roast a mammoth whole. No fire control, no spice rub, not even a grill grate. Just slapped it on a flaming pile of mesquite and hoped for the best. The meat probably came out rarer than a vegan in Amarillo.”

Diggin' for leftovers.

Despite no confirmed tools, utensils, or seasonings found at the site, researchers did discover several large charred rocks, a half-melted club, and what might be the world’s oldest Yelp review—crudely scratched into limestone: “Meat bad. Fire hot. Belly hurt.”

Experts agree this may be the first known case of an extinction-level tailgate party.

TxDOT has temporarily halted construction out of respect for ancient Texans’ terrible taste—and to give archaeologists time to confirm whether a prehistoric air fryer was involved.

When asked what this means for the future of Texas cuisine, Ringstaff replied, “We’ll honor our ancestors the only way we know how—by putting queso on everything and never, ever learning from our mistakes.”

Further excavations have turned up additional clues, including a series of flat stones arranged in a suspiciously circular pattern—leading experts to believe this may have been the first recorded “BYOB fire pit,” minus the actual beer or knowledge of fire safety. “There’s scorch marks everywhere,” said Dr. Smith. “Either they were attempting to cook, or they were inventing fireworks with mammoth grease. It’s honestly hard to tell. Both are bad.”

Meanwhile, the discovery has ignited fierce debate among modern Texans, with local BBQ pitmasters chiming in on the prehistoric mishap. “You don’t smoke mammoth, you slow dance with it over mesquite for 48 hours,” said Randy “Brisket Master” Harlan of Amarillo. “These cavemen clearly didn’t even have a mop sauce. I weep for them. I weep like a pork shoulder left out in the sun.”

TxDOT is now considering turning the site into a “Paleolithic Pit Stop,” complete with replica caveman smokers, a gift shop selling “Ice Age BBQ Sauce (Now with Extra Ash),” and guided tours led by interns in buffalo-skin aprons yelling, “It’s still raw!” in British accents.

Stay tuned for further developments on this smoking hot mess. Working title for the documentary: “BBQ Before Brains: A Cautionary Tale from the Ice Age.”