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Los Angeles Homeowners Thrilled to Rebuild Identical House for Third Time, Now with ‘Fire-Resistant’ Stickers
- Mike Honcho
- Feb 10
- 3 min read
Experts Confirm New Homes Will Be Just as Flammable, But Cost Twice as Much
LOS ANGELES – In the wake of Southern California’s latest “Oops, We Did It Again” wildfire season, charred homeowners are eagerly lining up to reconstruct their dream homes on the same ash-filled lots, this time with the bold innovation of slightly darker roof shingles.
“Rebuilding is a Tradition!” Says Local Man Who Lost His Home to Fire for the 4th Time
Dr. Damon Raskin, a Pacific Palisades resident whose house now exists only as a haunting Instagram story, has already commissioned an architect to design his new home: a “fire-resistant” replica of his old one, but with a moat filled with flammable palm fronds. “We’re thinking of calling it Phoenix Rising II: This Time It’s Personal,” Raskin said, standing in front of a pile of debris he insists is “mid-century modern.”
State Unveils Cutting-Edge Fire Codes Written on a Denny’s Napkin
California’s decade-old fire codes, last updated when flip phones were cool, have finally been revised. The new guidelines mandate that homes be constructed using “materials that might withstand a light breeze” and recommend painting exteriors with “Stop, Drop, and Roll Red™.” Contractors are reportedly thrilled. “We’re using the same plywood as before,” said Tom Grable of Tri Pointe Homes, “but now we staple a picture of a fire extinguisher to every wall.”
Insurance Companies Offer Generous Payout: Thoughts and Prayers
With the California FAIR Plan’s $377 million disaster fund—roughly enough to rebuild a single Starbucks—homeowners are advised to “get creative.” Public adjusters are now offering services like “How to Convince Your Insurance Agent That Your 1998 La-Z-Boy Was a Vintage Eames.” Raskin, meanwhile, plans to offset costs by selling his ashes as “artisanal fireplace glitter” on Etsy.
Builders Cash In on ‘Wildfire Chic’ Housing Trends
KB Home and Lennar have unveiled new planned communities for displaced Angelenos, including Ember Estates (“Where Every Home Comes Pre-Charred!”) and Smoke Signal Acres (“Now Leasing Luxury Yurts with Wi-Fi!”). “It’s not exploitation—it’s opportunity,” said Grable. “Why rebuild in a fire zone when you can live in a sand dune 90 minutes from your job?”
Trump Tariffs Ensure Rebuilding Materials Will Be Made of Pure Nostalgia
Thanks to future tariffs that a local homeless man we gave a half eaten sandwich to said, it will most likely be 300% on Canadian lumber, which we felt he was absolutely qualified to report... Contractors are pivoting to “upcycled” materials. “We’re using melted action figures, old tax returns, and the hopes of millennials,” said a Masonite spokesperson. Homeowners can also opt for the “Budget Package”: walls made of tumbleweeds and a roof crafted from expired insurance policies.
Governor Newsom’s Bold Plan: More Fires, Fewer Trees
Los Angeles Homeowners: To streamline rebuilding, Gov. Newsom has suspended environmental reviews, declaring, “If we burn down all the trees, there’s nothing left to regulate!” Meanwhile, L.A. Mayor Karen Bass unveiled a disaster relief mascot: Sparky the Trauma Llama, who will tour neighborhoods offering emotional support and overpriced building permits.
The Silver Lining
As Raskin surveys his barren lot, he remains optimistic. “Sure, rebuilding will take three years and all my savings,” he said, “but think of the memories we’ll make living in a FEMA trailer! It’s like camping, but with existential dread.” When asked if he’d consider moving, he laughed. “And miss out on next year’s wildfire season? This is the California dream!”
—Additional reporting by Ima Pyromaniac
Sidebar:"Pro Tip!" - Why wait for the next fire? Pre-burn your home now and skip the line! Contractors are offering 10% off “controlled demo” services. Use promo code: TOASTY2025.
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