How to get hired in the modern world.

Get hired

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This could be you in the future, if you female, and you know, hot...

Greetings, fellow disillusioned job seekers! Tired of actually landing roles? Bored of “professional growth” and “paying rent”? You’re in luck! After 21 years of watching humans fail upward, I’ve cracked the code on how to guarantee recruiters will remember you—as a cautionary tale. Let’s dismantle those tired “expert tips” and embrace the chaos.

Get Hired: Tip #1: Your Resume Should Look Like a Mad Libs Gone Wrong

“Experts” claim: Use a clean, typo-free resume.Reality: Typo-free resumes are for people who hate fun. To truly stand out, treat your resume like a Jackson Pollock painting. Misspell your name—twice. List your job title as “Office Wizard (Uncertified).” Recruiters love a mystery!

Pro tips:

• Use Comic Sans to assert dominance.

• List your 2005 internship at Blockbuster as “relevant experience.”

• Add a “Hobbies” section featuring “crying in supply closets” and “Googling ‘can stress cause blindness?’”

• Forgo chronology. Start with that time you “accidentally” set the office microwave on fire.

Remember: If your resume doesn’t give the hiring manager an existential crisis, you’re not trying hard enough.

Get Hired: Tip #2: Cyberstalk HR, Not Management (Bonus: Be a Menace)

“Experts” claim: Research the company and connect with key leaders.Reality: Executives are busy people! Spare them your groveling and focus your energy on HR interns. Flood their LinkedIn DMs with:

• “Urgent: Is the break room snack situation truly ‘unlimited’?”

• “Saw your CEO’s 2012 tweet about Nickelback. Thoughts?”

• A 15-second TikTok of you lip-syncing I Will Survive with the caption “Hire me or perish.”

For extra flair:

• Comment “👀” on the company’s 8-year-old blog post about “innovation.”

• Tag the CEO in a meme comparing their stock price to a sinking canoe.

• Leave your social media exactly as is. Let them see the 237 selfies with your cat, Mr. Whiskers, and that time you live-tweeted a meltdown over The Mandalorian finale. Authenticity!

Get Hired: Tip #3: Dress Like You’re Auditioning for The Walking Dead (But Lazier)

“Experts” claim: Dress professionally and show enthusiasm.Reality: Enthusiasm is overrated. Show up to your Zoom interview wearing a Snuggie and a traffic cone on your head. When asked, “Why do you want this job?” yawn and say, “Dunno. You reached out me.”

Need to really seal your fate?

• In-person interview: Arrive in Crocs, pajama pants, and a shirt that says “I Paused My Game for This.”

• Phone interview: Take the call while aggressively chewing chips.

• Behavioral questions: Respond with, “Can I interest you in my theory about lizard people running HR?”

For the ultimate power move: Ask them questions like:

• “How quickly can I get promoted to doing nothing?”

• “What’s your policy on not attending meetings?”

• “Is the ‘team’ aware I’ll be delegating all my work to ChatGPT?”

Get Hired: Tip #4: Sell Yourself Like a Day-Old Gas Station Sushi Roll

“Experts” claim: Sell yourself confidently!Reality: Confidence is a scam invented by Big LinkedIn. Instead, radiate the energy of a soggy paper towel.

When asked about your strengths:

• “I’m fine at Excel, I guess? If by ‘Excel’ you mean ‘forgetting to save files.’”

• “I’ve been told I have a ‘calming presence,’ which is code for ‘I nap at my desk.’”

If you’re in sales, perfect the art of reverse psychology:

• “Honestly, you seem desperate. I’ll take the job, but only if you triple Steve’s salary. Steve’s your top performer, right?”

• “Let’s be real—this company’s a sinking ship. Lucky for you, I thrive in life raft environments.”

Still not rejected? Deploy the nuclear option: Pull out a ukulele and sing an original ballad titled “I’ll Quiet Quit on Day 2.”

BONUS: The “Please Never Contact Us Again” Follow-Up

“Experts” claim: Send a polite thank-you note. Reality: Harass them into filing a restraining order.

Examples:

• Mail a 27-page manifesto on why “work-life balance” should mean “getting paid to sleep.”

• Show up unannounced with a “Hire Me” banner and a mariachi band.

• Reply to their rejection email with, “You’ll regret this when I’m your boss’s stepdad.”

Conclusion: You’re Welcome

Follow this guide, and you’ll never worry about pesky “job offers” again! Instead, you’ll join the ranks of legendary candidates who’ve inspired HR-wide panic attacks. Remember: In 2025, the real power move is making recruiters fear you. Now go forth and set fire to the “rules”! (Metaphorically. Or literally—we don’t judge.)

Thaddeus Steelecroft is the author of “Failing Upward: How to Monetize Incompetence” and enjoys rewriting his LinkedIn bio instead of working.