CAT claims Saint Peter endorsed their heavy equipment

Saint Peter

3:02

Unfazed by a minor theological clarification, CAT Marketing is moving full steam ahead with the 305: Blessed Edition. Zero-tail-swing for tight celestial spaces, and a backup beeper that plays exclusive Gregorian chants.

HEAVEN'S PEARLY GATES — In what is being hailed as the most aggressive corporate ambush since Red Bull tried to sponsor a school shooter on a skateboard, Caterpillar Inc. (CAT) has officially claimed exclusive heavy machinery rights to Heaven.

The chaos began Tuesday morning when Saint Peter, taking a brief stroll outside the Pearly Gates, was overheard speaking to a cherub that he "really, genuinely loves caterpillars."

Within 43 seconds, a CAT marketing executive, who had been lurking in purgatory on an internship loophole spawned from a cloud of sulfur and premium diesel exhaust to record the statement.

The Campaign Drops

By noon, the heavy equipment giant had launched a multi-dimensional ad campaign. Billboards across Earth featured Saint Peter holding a golden wrench alongside the slogan:

"When it comes to trenching the Valley of Death, I don't trust anyone else. CAT Move heaven and earth. Literally."

A leaked internal memo also revealed plans for a limited-edition, halo-certified CAT 305 Mini Excavator: Blessed Edition, complete with leather seats woven from angel's hair, a Filipino woman who thought she signed up for Locks of Love, and a backup beeper that plays Gregorian chants.

The Retraction

A visibly concerned Saint Peter hastily called a press conference at the Sea of Glass to clear this misinterpretation, desperately trying to wave away a camera drone.

"Look, this is a massive misunderstanding," Peter shouted over the roar of a nearby diesel engine. "I was talking about the insect. The little fuzzy bugs? They turn into butterflies. It’s a beautiful, delicate metaphor for the resurrection of the soul and the boundless, creativity of the Lord God Almighty! It’s a gift of pure nature!"

The CAT marketing specialist, completely unfazed, stepped up to the microphone right next to him.

"Right, right, nature is cool, Pete," the specialist said, throwing a casual arm around the Apostle’s robes. " But let’s talk about our zero-tail-swing radius. If you've got to dig a moat to keep the damned out, the butterflies aren't doing the heavy lifting, am I right? Can we get a picture of you holding this CAT-branded trucker hat?"

"I don't wear hats! I wear a crown!" Peter shrugged, burying his face in his hands.

"Dope. We'll write that down as a 'Maybe' for the Fall catalog," the specialist replied.

The Fallout

At press time, Caterpillar Inc. has already filed a cease-and-desist against the Creator for trademark infringement regarding the biological metamorphosis of lepidoptera. Meanwhile, John Deere is reportedly trying to contact Noah, in frantic negotiations to secure the exclusive rights to his image and likeness.

The Holy Spirit made a comment, "Cat is a great machine, but Heaven doesn't endorse products, we love people and are not in the marketing business."

Immediately the Cat marketing intern was sent back to earth.