Biggens Equipment Launches ‘Max Capacity’ Mini Excavators

“Finally, a cab that apologizes when you sit down… and offers you a snack.”

biggens

3:44

The Biggens Skinny THOT 1.3 Ton is the future of comfort.

DES MOINES, IA — In a move that sent shockwaves through the entire compact equipment industry (and several floor joists), Biggens Heavy Equipment today unveiled a full line of mini excavators engineered exclusively for operators who don’t just exceed the machine’s rated capacity, they laugh at it.

The official tagline? “You’re not heavy. The bucket is.”

Biggens’ flagship models — the 1.3-ton “Skinny Thot” and the 4-ton “Bubba Supreme” — come standard with innovations that make traditional “yellow iron” look like it was designed by people who’ve never had a second breakfast.

Every unit features the revolutionary GirthMaster 3000 seating system: a deep, winged, reinforced throne upholstered in premium “butter-soft” reinforced vinyl that whispers “you got this, king” every time your mass makes contact. It includes a 36-inch seatbelt extender (with that satisfying click of victory), built-in lumbar support that somehow still loses, and a refrigerated armrest pouch stocked with emergency nitroglycerin, two glazed donuts, and a single insulin pen “just in case.”

New for 2026: Every machine comes equipped with a factory-installed “Royal Hoist” — a small hydraulic lift platform that gently raises operators into the cab so no extra energy is expended.

“We save that for the work,” said company spokesperson Rich Conners while licking powdered sugar off his fingers.

Cupholder game is undefeated. Three industrial-grade holders: one for 80 0z coffee, one for a 54-oz Mountain Dew Code Red, and one deep enough for a full 32-oz styrofoam container of sausage gravy. Company literature simply reads:

“We know our demographic. We are our demographic.”

But wait — there’s more. Every cab now comes standard with a reinforced “Executive Pee Bucket” mounted discreetly beside the seat. Just lean over, let the river flow, and you’re back to work in under two minutes (assuming your prostate is still working). No more climbing down, no more precious minutes wasted. Biggens calls it “productivity innovation at its finest.”

The breakout feature is still “Lazy Mode.” Activate it and the machine’s onboard computer — voiced by what sounds like a 400-pound man who just woke up from a nap — spends thirty full seconds complaining before every single function:

“Ugh. Dig? Right now? I literally just got comfortable. Fine. But I’m only going to 60% effort and I’m telling everyone it’s the machine’s fault.”

The Bubba Supreme also boasts a fully enclosed cab with nuclear-grade air conditioning and, notably, zero heat — even for -20°F jobs. Brand ambassador Rich Conners (370 lbs, 5'7", still eating a family-size bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos during the presser) explained:

“We’re well insulated, baby. Heat is for people who can see their belt buckle. I’ll turn the AC on in February before I touch a heater.”

Max Capacity’ Mini Excavators

CEO Paul Musker — a majestic 425 pounds who has reportedly not left the cab of the display model in eight days — held the entire launch event from the operator’s seat, crumbs cascading into the footwell like delicious snow.

“I’ve been in this industry thirty years,” Musker said, joystick in one hand, half-eaten turkey leg in the other. “This is our Super Bowl. A mini excavator that doesn’t throw an ‘Overload’ error when the counterweight shows up wearing size 54 pants? We’re not selling machines. We’re selling revenge.”

Biggens is also offering a “Retro Outfitting” package for existing machines. For $4,999 they’ll widen the cab, install the Holy Trinity of cupholders, add the Royal Hoist, and reprogram all warning lights so “Overload” now reads “Gains Mode.”

When asked about future models, Musker grinned and revealed the next beast: the 7-ton “The Ostrich.”

“Can’t fly, but it’ll bury its head in a bucket of chicken faster than you can say ‘Type 2 Diabetes.’ We’re also working on an optional defibrillator that doubles as a gravy warmer when not in use.”

Pre-orders are expected to sell out by second breakfast. Or third. Whichever comes first.

Editor's note: Biggens is not a real company. The Skinny Thot is not a real excavator. But somewhere in Iowa, a man named Rich Conners is reading this and wondering how we knew about the gravy cupholder.