AED: The Eric Wareham Conspiracy

Two children invent reasonable lies about AED's New VP of Policy.

Eric Wareham, VP of Policy for AED, slaying the Anti-Equipment Goblins!

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Association of Equipment Distributors (AED) announced this week that veteran government affairs leader Eric Wareham has joined the organization as Vice President of Policy.

Within approximately eleven seconds, the internet responded the only way it knows how: by abandoning reality entirely.

Social media posts, dealership break rooms, and industry group texts quickly filled with increasingly unbelievable stories claiming Wareham had personally rewritten federal regulations, negotiated international trade agreements during hold music, and once convinced Congress to pass legislation simply by reminding everyone they could "do better."

None of the stories have been verified. More concerningly, none have been denied.

The following conversation was reportedly overheard somewhere near a high school vending machine, where two students accidentally stumbled into what experts are now calling "The Eric Wareham Effect."

In the middle of Ohio at a summer school session two high schoolers Jake and Mia are leaning against a wall. Jake is scrolling. Mia is pretending not to care.

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Jake: Dude. Did you see who just got hired at AED?

Mia: The equipment dealer association?

Jake: Yeah. Eric Wareham.

Mia: Wait. The Eric Wareham?

Jake: The one and only.

Mia: I heard that guy once saved a cat from a tree.

Jake: A cat? Please. I heard he saved four gerbils from Richard Gere's garage.

Mia: Richard Gere has a garage?

Jake: He does now. Eric built it for him. With his bare hands. Then he saved the gerbils. On a Tuesday.

Eric Wareham - When not slaying anti-equipment goblins.

Mia: I heard he once convinced Congress to pass a bill by walking in, saying "gentlemen, we can do better," and walking out. Unanimous.

Jake: That's nothing. I heard he once got a regulation approved before it was even proposed.

Mia: I heard he settled a warranty dispute. On a tractor. That was still on the assembly line.

Jake: I heard he once negotiated a trade agreement during hold music.

Mia: Did it work?

Jake: They signed the agreement before anyone picked up.

Mia: I heard Congress once filibustered against him.

Jake: And?

Mia: They're still apologizing.

Jake: I heard OSHA inspected one of his jobs and just started taking notes.

Mia: Like… for themselves?

Jake: They cited it as an "industry best practice." It's in their handbook now.

Mia: No way.

Jake: Way.

Mia: Okay. Okay. But the one that gets me; I heard he once saved the entire US-Canada trade relationship. During a blizzard. While driving a stick shift.

Jake: Pfft. I heard he did that on a folding bicycle. In a suit.

Mia: A folding bicycle?!

Jake: He's government folklore.

Mia: So what's he doing now?

Jake: VP of Policy at AED.

Mia: That's it?

Jake: That's it.

Mia: …poor government.

Federal officials declined to comment on the rumors, although several longtime equipment dealers reportedly laughed for an uncomfortable amount of time before saying, "Honestly… I can't prove any of it didn't happen."

AED has confirmed only one fact: Eric Wareham is officially its new Vice President of Policy.

The rest has already become construction industry folklore.

Editors Note: This is Satire, for a very select group. All the best Eric Wareham, God Speed!